Anatomy Of An Abusive Relationship
When I wrote the story on Andrew Anthony Guerrero, I didn’t expect the incredible reaction it would receive from our readers. One comment in particular, made by “The Bosses Secretary” stood out from all the rest. This is the kind of thing that will save lives, and I felt I had to give her words the attention they deserve. What makes her comment even more powerful is the fact the she is living this nightmare right now, today.
The Bosses Secretary says:
June 11, 2009 at 4:43 pm (EST)For those of you who have not experienced the joy of an abusive relationship, here are some warning signs that your beloved is in actuality nuts and may kill you when you try to get away:
1. Has a substance abuse problem in which they turn from Jekyll to Hyde.
2. Freaks out if you even hint of dating someone else.
3. Starts to show up unannounced after work to say “hi!”
4. Goes bananas at the mention of someone else you were dating.
5. Makes a big show of “solving your problems” for you without you asking.
6. Does everything they can to make you more dependent upon them.
7. Moves into your house as soon as humanly possible.After moving in/marrying you:
1. Begins going through your phone/cellphone messages and demanding to know who they are from.
2. Listens in to your phone calls.
3. Goes ballistic over wrong number calls, insinuating you are seeing someone.
4. Opens and goes through your mail “accidentally.”
5. Times your grocery store runs and then says, “That took you way too long. Where did you really go?”
6. Times your arrival home from work by the second.
7. Makes it perfectly apparent to all your friends that he/she hates them.
8. Resents any time whatsoever that you spend outside the house without them.
9. Begins to take control of all finances, giving you an “allowance”, all in the name of “saving.”
10. Makes life relentlessly miserable for you if you don’t do it “their way.”
11. Verbally abuses you, then apologizes.Critical stage:
1. Begins to physically abuse you, sending you to the doctor.
2. Does not let you leave the house without them, then acts like a violent lunatic in public if you are even so much as looked at by someone of the opposite sex.
3. Insists that you are having an affair, especially when they’re drunk or high.
4. Throws tantrums, specifically destroying sentimental items you love.
5. Degrades you verbally in public.
6. Goes crazy if you voice the intention to go visit your friends or family. Your friends are all “whores,” “sluts” or “drug addicts;” your family members are all “losers” and “assholes”.
7. Attempts to get you fired from your job, to get you to quit your job, or conversely, to give them all the money you make from your job, so that you have no financial resources.
8. Takes away or disables your mode of transportation.When you leave:
1. Literally canvasses the city on foot or by car, looking for you.
2. Sits outside your work, waiting for you. Sits outside your friends’ houses, waiting for you. Sits outside your family’s houses, waiting for you.
3. Calls you endlessly, begging you to come back, until you change your phone number.
4. Contacts people they “think” you had an affair with and threatens to kill them.
5. Empties any joint bank accounts and steals any money from you they can.
6. Relentlessly stalks you. As time goes by, destroys anything of yours that they have in their possession.
7. Begins outright threatening you with physical harm.
8. Threatens suicide, saying they can’t live without you.
9. Buys a gun and shoots you, reasoning that you have destroyed their life and now you need to be destroyed in turn.Welcome to my world. Come on in. The water’s warm. And for all you Monday morning quarterbacks, let’s play, “At what point do you think the restraining order would change things?” Clue: When they get out of jail for stalking you under the jurisdiction of the restraining order, they’re so man they’re heading directly over to your pad to blow your head off. They should come with a warning label: EFFECTIVE ONLY AGAINST NORMAL HUMAN BEINGS.
You can also view this comment at glorybug’s blog, Glorybug, The Picture. I kind of consider her this website’s village elder, since her comments were one of the big reasons why I stuck around PYSIH way back when I first started lurking here. I’m betting a visit to her site is worth the trip.
30 Comments »
WOW. That’s chilling to read. They should pass this out in high schools, and try to get in their brains when they’re young to not do/accept this behavior. I’m sorry you are going through this :-( Thanks for writing that……
Thank you for postnig thiis as a separate entry. I thought it was really thought out, and included it on my blog – http://glorybug-thebigpicture.blogspot.com/
They shouldn’t teach this ini high school, they should teach this in grade school- that’s where the impressions begin.
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true to smiley. i kno some young girls that even think its cute or sweet that their boyfriend is so commanding, or that he cares because he obsessively goes through your emails and text messages, or that it shows he loves you because he reacts so strongly.
It starts out in a flattering manner they make one feel as if that person is their whole world, when really this person is trying to control yours.
Thanks, Max.
And everyone else to who help you with this site.
It should be renamed: The truth: Uncensored.
I unfortunately have had direct contact with this as my sister’s ex-husband was abusive towrds her 3 years ago when I was in South Korea. It was like a living hell for me becuase I could not help my sister, as much as I wanted to. I felt like I was failing her. I can only imagine how she felt. It’s a touchy subject to her to this day. When I arrived home, it took every fiber of my being to not kill the worthless son-of-a-bitch. I implore anyone, man or woman, in an abusive relationship to seek help. Unfortunately, far too many people I’ve read about on here did not seek help actively enough and it was too late. I only hope that anyone needing help can get it before it goes too far and it’s too late.
Thank you Bosses Secretary for sharing your thoughts and your story. Congratulations on getting out of an abusive relationship. I cannot imagine the constant fear that you must live with on a daily basis. Know that there are people out there that are thinking of you and supporting you.
I’m amazed at how complete this list is for both abusive male and female relationships. I got a little chill as I went through the details, and thanked my lucky if slightly chauvinistic stars that in my case, the abusive woman I had been dating/living with didn’t have the means necessary to get to the gun stage.
Happily married to someone who I can appreciate and trust, and thus can share my life with, as opposed to turning it over for eventual destruction.
This post should be on CNN or something so more people can see it.
Nice write-up.. Too bad so many women aren’t “bright” enough to walk away the first time he hits her.. I honestly have no pity or sympathy for anyone who stays after that first hit..
That first hit says it all, and if they decide to stay they know it’s probable that he WILL hit again… After that first hit, they bring it on themselves by staying..
No amount of sorrys can cover that fact that he is able to hit a woman, and will do so again.. I know they say love is blind, but it can’t make you THAT blind..
I’ve been hit before, and I walked away from that.. There is no way in hell, that I will ever think that a man that hits just one time will never do it again.
I am printing that for my daughter and for her friends.
I printed this for my 14-year-old daughter as well. She already knows not to let boys be mean to her, in fact she might punch someone back. hahahah. But still, this might help her or her friends. Thank you!!!
As someone who got stabbed by my ex-wife, yes she did the stabbing, I have to admit this list is way to real and it hits every item dead center on the head. Note, it does not have to be a male to be an abuser, women are just as capable as men.
In some cases women play the system against men
1. My soon to be X in the late 1990’s would say “… and who do you think the police will believe….” My respnse was If I’ve done the time, when I come out I will do the crime…..
2. One “girlfriend” back in the ealy 1980’s said that she was pregnant and she was going to name me the father…… Because we both had recessive traits, I used what I had just learned about Genetics in Biology class…..
So there are many different ways to abuse and torment people…
i dated someone awhile back who started out as nice, accepting me and my daughter with no questions. after his infidelity, i became a little bitter and kept a closer eye on him (yes, i was stupid and stayed with him). we had our arguments, but he didnt hit me. one time at work he threw my car keys and something else at me, then apologized profusely when i walked away from him. and again, we stayed together, yes, dumbass of me, i know. but it finally opened my eyes when he backed me into a corner at my own house, yelling at me at the top of his lungs, and i had my cell phone in my hand and he took it away before i could call the cops. i threw his ass out right then and there. nobody has to put up with that crap, especially having watched my mother go through that.
Wow, how powerful.
I am a very lucky person indeed to not have experienced that kind of relationship.
So glad you were able to get out of the relationship Bosses Secretary.
well…I’m a married man and my wife fits step 2 “After moving in/marrying you”…
I know this was intended for women…as they are honestly primary targets to be recipients of an abusive relationship…but yeah. For the guys…the steps are extremely similar to a point.
I think that many women who have been hurt in the past may show some of these signs. It does not necessarily mean that they are going to turn into an axe-wielding shrew.
An old boyfriend cheated on me – blatantly by the end of our relationship. I finally dumped him. When I later met the man who was to be my husband for 20+years, I did put him through some hell because of the ex. I was suspicious and needy, but as he reaffirmed his love, as he came home on time every night, as he didn’t give me reason to be suspicious, I stopped the interrogating that I put him through.
When we divorced, it was not because of infidelity or abuse. It was simply because I grew up and my values changed, and his values stayed the same (he was 14 years older than me).
Seriously, try that Kenny. Try explaining that she has no reason to be suspicious, tell her that spying is not cool, and then reassure her that you love her. If the behavior gets better, then she is not likely to be a future abuser. If it get’s worse, get the fuck out while you still can!
There is no way for me to describe how I feel about abuse. I’ve seen way too many times what happens.
My wife was in a physical and emotionally abusive relationship and still, more than 20 years later, I can still see how it affected her.
My sister is currently in an abusive relationship and she doesn’t even seem to realize it. He’s going to change, she just needs to stop pissing him off–my niece has scars on her hands and feet from the burns he inflicted – they no longer have custody of her. They now have a 7 month old baby – in their care, and we can’t do a thing about it.
My 18 year old daughter just got out of a relationship. Her boyfriend wanted to know what she did with her money, told her how to dress, who she could hang out with, and had an awful temper – the relationship only lasted a month and he did stalk her – he couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to see him. It wasn’t until she filed for a protection order that we found out he was on probation for beating his previous girlfriend. He’s in jail now – for violating probation. He’ll be out in about 4 months. Wonder how that will work out. I can go on and on about how abuse has affected me and I’ve never been abused or been an abuser.
I can’t believe the prevelance of abuse, the forms it takes. My wife and I are both active with the YWCA but still-
It saddens me when I hear about domestic abuse, when I hear stories like ‘The BossesSecretary’ shared with us. I know how true the stories are and I know what the end will be. It sickens me when I hear of children growing up learning to abuse the ones they love. I’m tired of seeing broken women and children, not knowing where to turn or how to escape the nightmare.
I talk to people constantly about domestic abuse, at work, socially, wherever, and everybody agrees with me-domestic abuse is horrible. But I’ve also noticed no one will admit that it may be happening to them. Until we remove the stigma, until we quit blaming the victims and questioning their motivations to stay with an abuser it’s going to continue. We need to support ‘The BossesSecretary’ for getting out and for her being able to speak out about-we need to support ‘GloryBug’ (good to see you back! I’ve missed you!) for speaking out – we need to support anybody in or getting out of abusive relationships and stand up to the bullies.
Okay, I’m getting off my soapbox-but one last plug. Support the YWCA.
All I can say is if you are in this type of relationship, get out. Ask someone to help you. If you have no one, there are resources. It is tough to leave someone when they have psychologically abused you to the point that you think that you have done something to deserve the physical and mental abuse. If you know someone who is in this type of a situation, remember that victims need the support of their friends and loved ones. Do what you can to help, encourage, and support. Dont give up on that person. Whatever you do.
The Bosses Secretary is a brave person and I am proud of her. What she did takes an immense amount of strength and courage. Breaking a cycle of systematic abuse is difficult, but it can be done. She nailed the tell tale signs of an abuser to a tee. Thank you for speaking out, TBS.
I am a domestic violence suvivor! (THANK GOD). For those of you that think it’ll get better, or “the person” will change, or blame yourself. Please get away from that person before it’s too late. I carry scars even today from my ex. I endured abuse for 11 years! And then I ran……and I never looked back. He died at the age of 43 on June 1, 2006. You know the saying, “God don’t like ugly”, well, here’s an example. Karma is a bitch.
Thank you. That is an amazing and ACCURATE view of an abusive relationship. My daughter is currently in one and I’m trying to get through to her. Thank you.
Well written! Abusive relationships is a very serioud and widespread problem.
I think I praise the lord everyday that I have the spouse I have.
I have been where Bosses Secretary is (and her checklist is COMPLETELY ACCURATE). Step by step. I honestly thought it would never end. It seems even when they’re out of your life–they’re still the biggest part of it. You constantly think of them–Which way to go to work; to avoid them. Which grocery store to go to; so you don’t “accidentally” bump in to them. I actually had to change pharmacies because he was picking up my medications (narcotics-which I had for back pain) and he was taking them. What time is sunset so I can be safely in my house before dark so they cant sneak up on me and punch me in the face. Everytime I turned around, he was there. Standing by a tree at the park. Paying for my gas at the gas station. Sending flowers to my job. Sitting in the waiting room of the hospital I worked in. Taking pictures of me at night at work–and posting them on his myspace account (before I knew he was coming to my job). It sucks when you have to give a picture of him to the Security Guard at your job to prevent him from coming in.How embarrassing is that? It sucks when your boss calls you in her office because he continuously calls your job crying and she says if it doesn’t stop–”…I’m going to have to let you go”. Its humiliating when you go to work 3 days out of 5 with a new bruise on your face–and you aren’t even together. Its sad when your babies hide when someone knocks on the door past a certain time. Its agonizing when police officers know your children by name AND address because they’ve been to your house so many times. Its depressing to beg your neighbor, whom you’ve never talked to, to help you because he is sitting on you in the middle of your drive way smooshing your face in the rocks and he wont stop. It sucks when your friends and family have to change their phone numbers because every time you re with them they know and the calls don’t stop.
And I totally agree about the restraining order crap. People who haven’t been there will be the first to say “get a restraining order…they cant come near you”. Oh yeah? Is it like some sort of shield or something? Does it put an invisible barrier around you? These kind of people don’t give a rats patoot if they go to jail–they’ll get out sooner or later. And OMG you are going to know when they’re out. They’re kicking in your door. Throwing rocks through your windshield. Whatever it takes for them to let you know they’re right there–and always will be. Even years down the road. Domestic Violence. Everyone talks about it–but some people live it. Until you’re one of them, don’t put your opinion in the ring. It doesn’t have an ounce of worth to me. When you’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt—it’ll be a different story.
Thank You Bosses Secretary for being brave and sharing that–If I could hug you through the internet; I most certainly would.
{{{{HUGS}}}}
Wow this was my ex to a T…. to look back at that life I know know I am so lucky to have lived through it. The last realtionship I was in, I saw some of the things on that list and left him.. It was hard but I knew the next step in our relationship was going to be the beatings..
October 5, 2009 Wicked Fashions Inc, Fires David Strumeier as SVP of Sales for Sexual Discrimination and Sexual Harrasment Against Employees
In addition to his new role, Strumeier will continue to assume his position as senior vice president of marketing for Wicked Fashions, Inc., including their flagship brand, Southpole.
For 3 years, Strumeier has been responsible for global branding and licensing strategies for the 18-year-old apparel company and has driven the image of its flagship brand, Southpole, as a major force in the streetwear fashion marketplace. The label reaches markets in Asia and Europe and is one of the world’s strongest-performing streetwear brands in denim, knits, fleece and outerwear.
Prior to joining Wicked Fashions, Inc., Strumeier is best known for his tenure at Pro Player, a manufacturer of licensed sports apparel and accessories for men, women, and children which he founded in 1988. One of his greatest accomplishments at Pro Player was gaining national recognition and credibility through negotiating the renaming of Joe Robbie Stadium in South Florida to Pro Player Stadium. Strumeier eventually sold Pro Player to Fortune 500 Company, Fruit of the Loom, in 1994.
Strumeier has appeared on ESPN, MSNBC, and CNN to discuss marketing trends and sales analysis.
# # #
ABOUT WICKED FASHIONS, INC.
Founded in 1991, Wicked Fashions, Inc. was established as a wholesale company dedicated to providing fashionable and affordable apparel to the mid-tier consumer. For nearly twenty years, Wicked Fashions, Inc. has become one of the leading apparel companies in the fashion marketplace for Young Mens, Juniors, and Youth — overseeing every aspect of their clothing brands from product design and manufacturing to distribution and promotion. After longstanding success with their flagship streetwear brand, Southpole, Wicked Fashions, Inc. also has acquired licensing for footwear, loungewear, sleepwear and accessories. In 2008, two new Young Mens brands were added under Wicked Fashions, Inc. corporate umbrella – WhiteTag and A.Prodigee.
So you’re probably all wondering what happened in the end, huh?
I’m still seeing my husband, although I haven’t lived with him since he broke my jaw in March. I still love him. I live in my two bedroom apartment with my son, who is a monster. Guess what? I don’t know whether it was because my son saw abuse, or it’s his bad temper, or whatever. He beats his girlfriend, who lives with us. He gave her a black eye last week.
My husband is pushing me to make a decision and get back together with him. He claims, correctly, that he never directly hit me prior to breaking my jaw, but just between you and I and the fencepost, I still see it in his behavior and don’t want to go back because I’m convinced he will do it again. But he’s the only help I have for money problems, attention, love, etc. Plus, I still care for him, apparently because I’m an idiot.
And as for my kid, I can see it’s all going to end badly. His temper and physical abuse of his girlfriend will land him in jail. I’ve already told his girlfriend that if she had a brain in her head she would leave, all to no avail.
So it’s just me. Between a rock and a hard place. Between going back to a man who can pay all my bills and give me some time off of work, but at a real hefty psychological and maybe physical price, and living with a kid who may do the same. Because frankly, I’m afraid of him, too.
Which just goes to show that there are no fairy tales, no happy endings without the price of your decisions.
It also says a lot about recognizing the horror that’s going on and the immense effort it takes to step out of the path of the living nightmare.
And for all you people who want to tell me how stupid I am, walk a week in my high heels.
Mam I have no intentions of insulting you or anything along those lines. I simply do not understand. I don’t understand how a man could hit a woman and still consider himself a man. I don’t understand how a woman could stay.
I have never wittnessed anything like that in my life. And I have seen some serious things in my life.
I am not a victim. I have fought my whole life. Fought for respect and out of pride. Fought against nazi scum here in Germany. I have fought for the little guy that was getting the shit beat out of him by 5 other “guys”
When someone hits me I don’t just hit back. I go right for the throat. I come back with both barrels blazing and don’t stop until that person is on the floor.
I honestly have no grasp of the problem. I hope you don’t think I am making fun of you because that was in no way my intent. I am looking for answers. Maybe you can help me? No idea.
As for your kid? I can only suggest taking him to a support group for battered women. Let him hear the otherside of the slap. Let him see how his actions effect people. Should he continue he might run in to someone like me that will curb stomp him if I see him hitting a woman. AndI’ll do it with a smile on my face.
My divorce is getting ugly. We are both trying to keep my daughter out of it completly. Now it’s about money and pointing fingers of blame. I am pretty much letting her have everything she wants. The house, the savings, the life insurances and a hefty check every month. But it’s not enough for her. She wants me to bleed. She wants me to hurt. What pisses her off the most is she can’t. The law says something completly different. Like I said above I come back with both barrels blazing. I look for ways to hurt someone back the most. By ignoring her mails, calls and letters I slap her in the face. I hurt her the most. Simply becasue I don’t care about her any more.
Mam I have no idea what you should do and I won’t isult you by trying. I hope you will find happiness an contentment like I have.
Wow, that’s intense. I am sorry to hear you are in that situation. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I particularly hope your son is able to get some help, before he ends up really hurting his girlfriend, or goes to jail or something terrible like that. My gosh, there are some things that I just don’t have the words of wisdom for. I would never judge you though, because I have not been in your position. For what it’s worth, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Welcome! Feel free to join any discussion. No worries if your opinion goes against any other here. No hard feeling as we are almost all adults.